Test Driving My Self-Confidence

I have read that one of the reasons for the wage gap between men and women is because women rarely ask for more. Women tend to believe that they aren’t worth the extra 10,000 while men, whether they believe they’re worth it or not, are more likely to ask for it.

Recently my writing class was given the assignment to test drive a car and write about it. At first the idea was exciting. My five year plan includes trading in my current Chevy Equinox for a pick up truck – Which one I don’t know. I know nothing about them except that they are big enough and powerful enough to pull a horse trailer and most of my current goals/thoughts involve horses.

For months I have been picturing my future Silverado, or Siera, big and white (a little feminine touch) navigating the road with authority. I have secretly marveled in people’s imaginary shocked faces as they looked up into the trucks glossy window, seeing me, a young blond of 24 sporting Lulu workout gear and my infamous ‘bobble’ – No fa-mullet and cigarette stained teeth for this girl!

I started mentally preparing what I would write for my class – How the salesmen had looked at me sideways – Why would a 115 pound blond girl want to test drive a 1000 pound pick up? And more importantly how could she afford it? I’d write about society and how we judged and stereotyped and put people into categories that made it acceptable for certain types of people to drive certain types of vehicles. Maybe I’d even throw in a feminist edge and go so far as to say that society doesn’t take women seriously.

As the assignments due date rolled closer, I promised myself that tomorrow I would go… or at least tomorrow I would book the appointment. I promised myself also knowing full well that I wasn’t going to go anywhere near a dealership. I knew they’d see right through me, take one look and say ‘ya right’.

As the next weeks class came around I started to think about my failed mission. Why was I so afraid of confronting other people’s stereotypes? Or had I stereotyped myself? Maybe it wasn’t them who were looking at me sideways (even if they would have, they hadn’t yet). Maybe it was me – I was the one that thought it was ridiculous.

I am sure part of my hesitation came from the fact that currently I really can’t afford a truck. Maybe when I can confront others scrutinous looks with a cheque (preferably one that is attached to a very healthy bank account) I will be able to march in Lulu gear, bobble and all, and demand a test drive. But even then, when my facade isn’t a facade, will I believe I’m worth it?